


Hot Wired

by Arya_Greenleaf



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Robot Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:01:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27708727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arya_Greenleaf/pseuds/Arya_Greenleaf
Summary: Evil Bill and Evil Ted will get the job done. How fast they do it is a matter of opinion and circumstance and De Nomolos is not in a position to dictate either one. Evil Bill and Evil ted, however, are in a position to have some fun and De Nomolos will just have to deal with it.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Hot Wired

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilery uh robot... gore? Warning? Robot gore. Sure. In the end notes. It's not really gore but I figured I'd cover my ass.

Evil Ted cranes his neck forward, trying to see. His dumb hair is in his face and he has to shake it away and even that’s not really effective. _He wants to see!_ It would be better that way he thinks, watching Evil Bill’s hands do their most devilish work.

Evil Ted’s skin is peeled back and they’ve pried his chestplate completely off. All of his wiring is exposed and he thinks that he can feel the air from the AC _inside_ of himself. It’s totally wild. Non-heinous, even. What’s even better than the cold rush around the pumps and circuits is how _hot_ Evil Bill’s hands in there are by comparison.

ET throws his head back again, frustrated, even as Evil Bill twirls a wire around his fingers that makes Evil Ted’s leg tremble and flex. He rakes his hair out of his face more carefully this time, making sure his eyes are uncovered. They’d taken the left one out and stashed it in the apartment somewhere -- De Nomolos was really getting on their nerves. He kept checking in on them like he didn’t trust them to do their jobs. They were _programmed_ to kill Bill and Ted and mess up their lives. They’d do it, too. They wanted to, even.

Eventually.

But the whole situation of being down to one eye is a little inconvenient. Half of Evil Ted’s video sensors are out of sorts and he’d think that would make the whole thing a little more exciting but it really doesn’t. He sticks his finger in the empty socket and presses on the contact prong. He thought it might loop the circuit in his braindrive or something but all he succeeds in doing is making his hand buzz with the current.

“ _Dude_ ,” Evil Bill snickers. “Robot chubby!” He shoves his knee up between ET’s legs and _whoah_ does it feel weird.

Good-weird or bad-weird, Evil Ted isn’t super sure. It’s a very new sensation among all the new sensations that he’s felt since him and Evil Bill figured out that they could feel sensations. He doesn’t know if De Nomolos programmed them like that on purpose or it was more like an accidental side effect. 

“Touch it, dude!” he urges.

“My hands are full, ET, _you_ touch it.” Evil Bill pushes his thumb into some sensor in Evil Ted’s abdomen and his whole temperature regulation system goes completely unbalanced for a second.

Evil Ted wiggles and shifts until he can reach his own belt and the zipper on his jeans and he really most definitely does have a full-on robot chubby. He thought he was hard over that picture of the Pussweed Them’s babes but _this_ is totally bogus. He thinks for a moment that he might actually be broken. Is he even built for this? The error message that flashes red across his HUD makes him think as much but he definitely likes the way his sensors fire when strokes his fist over his dick and the synthskin pulls right where it’s attached to his body.

“Whoah,” Evil Ted breathes. “Dude, you… You gotta try this out, _dude_.”

Evil Bill isn’t listening, he never does -- and that’s fine, ET guesses, because he’s doing things with the hydraulic pump in ET’s chest that make him feel like he’s run fifty miles without a break.

“Dude,” Evil Bill exclaims. “What happens when I pull on this?”

Evil Ted can’t see what he’s holding but he imagines it must be something important looking and when Bill wraps his hand around it and tugs he knows it for sure is something important because his whole body seizes real tight -- his limbs just stop responding and his braindrive fizzles.

“Whoah,” he breathes when Evil Bill lets go. “Wicked.”

“That was --”

“ _Whoah_.”

“Yeah, dude.”

“I don’t think you should do that again, though, dude.”

“Really?” Evil Bill looks down at Evil Ted with a most dark and dastardly expression and he squeezes whatever he’s holding onto inside of Ted’s casing. “Why not?”

“EB, _don’t_.” They’re supposed to kill the Good Human Thems, not _each other_.

Evil Bill laughs and lets go of whatever it is and all of the sensors and gears in ET’s limbs twitch. “Just joshin’ you, dude. You should see your face!”

They sit there for a moment, not sure how to proceed. Evil Ted doesn’t want Evil Bill to pull on anything or press any buttons that he hasn’t already. They didn’t get user manuals and if he messes anything up then ET’s pretty sure he’s out of commission -- and then who will get to kill the Other Ted and boink his babe? Evil Bill totally does not deserve to have all of that fun, he couldn’t even hit a cat with a whole phone booth.

Evil Ted remembers he’s still holding onto his dick and he shifts so he can see it better. “Hey, Bill?”

“Yeah, ET?”

“You think my dick is nicer than that pussweed’s?”

Evil Bill considers it for a moment, distracted from his haphazard search inside of Evil Ted’s chest. “I think I haven’t seen the pussweed’s dick to compare. I’ll go get it!”

Evil Bill starts to yank his hands out of ET’s innards and they catch on _something_. “Wait!” Evil Ted gasps. “Whatever that was. Do it again.”

Evil Bill pushes his hands back in past the silicone diaphragm around Ted’s power supply and pulls them back up again. Evil Ted opens his mouth to say something and nothing but dial-up modem sounds come out. Surprised, he snaps his mouth shut again while EB laughs at him.

Evil Ted strokes his dick again, really going at it this time. He doesn’t know if he’ll get anywhere with it, but he reckons he should be able to if he’s got that functionality to begin with. Not for the first time, his background processor _plinks_ with an error message that he should probably pay attention to but ignores. Evil Bill is pulling at wires and _there -- that’s it!_

“Dude,” Evil Ted shudders. “Pull that.”

Evil Bill pulls it.

The temperature sensors on the soles of Evil Ted’s feet flash cold and hot and if he could sweat he thinks he would be. He strokes his dick a little faster and his braindrive starts flashing urgent messages across his HUD in a most non-specific way.

“Pull _harder,_ dude.”

Evil Bill snorts, totally entertained. He twirls his finger around the wire to shorten the slack and _yanks_.

“Keep goin’!”

He yanks!

Evil Ted’s hand is just _flying_ over his dick and the emergency signals are _flashing_ and there’s an annoying alarm going off somewhere in his chest.

“Whoah, dude, your battery!” There’s a red light ET supposes is coming from inside his body reflecting on Evil Bill’s face and Evil Bill’s _face_ is all soft and slack and curious in a way that is most unlike Evil Bill.

“ _Pull it harder_ ,” Evil Ted whispers.

Evil Bill pulls and his eyes get all wide with surprise and he holds up his fist and there’s the frayed end of some wire hanging out of it. Evil Ted doesn’t have enough RAM to worry about it though because every last bit of static electricity in his whole body is just _vibrating_ and rushing along all his circuits toward his dick and just as the static starts to fizzle out, the video feed in his non-communicator eye dies and everything goes all dark.

“Whoah,” Evil Bill mumbles. “ET, you in there?”

Evil Ted can feel Evil Bill knock his knuckles against his forehead. “Station,” he mutters, his power cells totally fried.

To Evil Bill’s credit, even though he can’t aim for shit, he gets Evil Ted back online pretty quickly. He finds some tools in a junky box of guitar strings and gets the wire re-attached and then it’s just a matter of shutting ET down completely and turning him back on again.

_Starting in SAFEMODE_ is the first thing Evil Ted sees when his visuals start processing and he sticks his finger in his ear to jiggle the override switch.

Evil Ted sits up slowly, his head all screwed up like a pinball machine that got tilted too hard. Evil Bill is sitting on the Other Bill’s bed with his arms crossed looking most serious. “Sweet!” he exclaims when Ted sits up all dizzy and starts to put himself back together. “Wasn’t sure you were comin’ back there for a minute, dude.”

“Aww,” ET says and sticks his bottom lip out in a pout. “You missed me.”

“Did not!” Evil Bill throws the pillow off the bed at Evil Ted as hard as he can. “You should’a seen your dumb _face_ , ET! It was perfect!” Bill screws his own face up like he’s malfunctioning, his eyes rolled up and his mouth hanging open and his eyebrows all squished down. ET throws the pillow back at him and when it hits him a bunch of limp feathers fall out of one corner.

Evil Ted gets his chest plate closed and smooths out the floppy panels of his synthskin over it. “There,” he says. “Good as new.” He starts to shove his dick back in his pants and stops, frowning at the gross dark stain on his jeans and vest.

“You sorta leaked coolant everywhere. I replaced it though -- the dweebs had some in the back of their van.” He jerks his thumb at the garbage pail overflowing with paper towels soaked in bright green junk.

“Whoah, thanks dude.”

“Don’t mention it!” He grins and then his face turns most harsh. “Really, _don’t_ mention it.”

“Ugh, _gross_.”

“All your circuits are _sticky_ ,” Evil Bill snickers. ET throws the pillow off of the Other Ted’s bed and this time it totally explodes in a triumphant splash dingy stuffing. “Dude, you should totally just take stupid Human Ted’s clothes. You can compare your dick while you're at it.”

“Excellent idea, my most heinous colleague.” ET sinks to the floor and reaches under the bed, searching for his eye.

Evil Bill and Ted drag their feet across the shitty little apartment and EB kicks open the bathroom door so it slams against the wall. The Other Thems are still sitting in the tub, all neatly tied and gagged with their backs together. They’ve managed to pull down the shower curtain and it’s all tangled between their shoulders, the rod shoved awkwardly between them and the wall. They haven’t shut the hell up the whole damn time, whining and shouting around the dirty socks shoved in their dumb mouths.

“Hey pussweeds!” ET shouts. They quiet down, their eyes big like cartoons. “How about we take you out to the desert? You can see if the vultures got to your babes yet.”

Human Bill and Ted start shouting again and Evil Ted rolls his eyes and leans into the bathroom to grab the doorknob, slamming the door shut again. He brushes the dusty eye in his fist off on the front of his shirt and pops it back in place. “No wonder De Nomolos wants ‘em dead, dude.”

**Author's Note:**

> Spolier: ET has ditched his facetime eyeball because De Nomolos was annoying. He's an idiot and sticks his finger in there while him and Evil Bill are having weird robot sex. And weird robot sex includes yanking on internal wiring?? I don't know man, they're evil robots and they're into weird shit.
> 
> I love comments? Yes. I love comments.
> 
> [Find me here.](https://aryagreenleaf.carrd.co/)


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